How it works for parents
First, be compassionate with yourself. Parenting teens is challenging. Thank yourself for caring as much as you do and for wanting everything you do for them.
Okay, it's really important that you do this first step.
Next, it’s time to focus on the thing that is going to impact their life more than anything else ever will: their sense of self.
With self-confidence life becomes much easier. Without self-confidence life becomes a very, very difficult and long road.
PHC coaching is focused around them feeling seen and understood for who they are so they can cultivate a deep and strong sense of self.
And before you wander off into the “egads, I’m terrible at that, how much harm have I done? ” place or the “hey pal, I already do that” place, please know that the well of self-confidence is bottomless. In other words, like us all, teenagers can always use love and understanding.
There are 3 steps to deepen their sense of self. They all hinge on a simple but profound skill: listening. Deep empathetic listening. Listening with the ears of your heart...listening to their actions...listening to their silence. No matter what level they’re at, it’s through the depth of listening that they will feel seen and understood.
By learning to listen well, you will notice how easily the 3 steps unfold.
1. Keep remembering that they are learning
They are not a problem, they are not broken, and they are not bad. They are whole, capable, and resourceful. You know this in your heart.
But they don’t know it in their heart yet. All teenagers are worried how they will make it in the world feeling as insecure as they do.
In other words, every mistake they make is essential for their future success. It is through dealing with difficulties and challenges that they will discover who they are. We have to guide them into and through all the ugly (and stupid) stuff.
By seeing them as whole, capable, and resourceful in their struggles and successes, you allow them to feel whole, capable, and resourceful. Just like when they were first learning to walk, they have to learn to fall and then get back up. And then try again. We have to be watching and cheering them on.
It’s when they have a safe place to feel, to relax, to reflect, and try again, not protect and defend, that their sense of self grows.
2. Embrace Trouble
When you listen to see and understand, you will see that the right kind of trouble will point you right to where they are vulnerable and thus what they need to learn.
It is so easy to freak out when they get in trouble and miss what is really going on. There are great lessons inside the trouble they are in.
If everything were groovy then they wouldn't be getting into trouble. The trouble they are in is pointing directly to something they need. It just takes listening to uncover it.
Hint #1: if you simply blame them and punish them, they will just get more sneaky and the trouble will grow.
Hint #2: if you can avoid beating yourself up for "causing" the trouble or not being good enough, that will make things way easier for everyone.
If it seems they’re turning away from you, you’re right—they are. They have to. They have to answer the question “Can I make it in the world on my own?"
They’ll be back, and the better you’re able to handle this turbulent stage of their lives, providing them with the kind of support they need (not necessarily the kind of support YOU think they need) the more likely they will be healthy and motivated as they continue to move through adolescence towards adulthood.
3. Jedi Mentorship
Your teen needs a confidant who has been down the path they are on and as much as you'd prefer it to be you, there is something essential for them about their community expanding beyond their parents. They need role models, adults who are authentic and have found their way. They need a mentor who will both help them see what is possible for them and compassionately, and passionately, push them into action.
Here is the opportunity that sits before you: love them. Love them as they work hard to fall down in new and creative ways. Love them as they try to figure out who they are.
If this makes sense to you, and, more importantly, if it sounds valuable to you and your teenager, start out with our free The Know Yourself Workbook.
And, if you are still on the fence, you may be caught in one of the most dangerous myths our teenagers face. What myth? Click here to read about it.