I remember being in college after my dad died and feeling desperately lonely. I hate my life, I remember thinking. I hate myself was a good one also. I’m lonely or I feel so alone.
This was in the very early days of the internet and we didn’t have cell phones, so I did other things to try to find my way.
I would go to movies, alone. I would walk around campus, alone. I would go get pizza and wings, alone. I was alone partially because I lacked confidence in myself and didn’t know how to talk to people; but I was also alone because all people were doing was going and getting blasted, doing drugs, and being idiots; and when it wasn’t night time, they were all caught in the bullshit game of pretending that having a great resume was better than being a good person (I totally resonate with “I’m a very nice, kind and polite person who believes in Karma and in God”). I wasn’t interested in that. I wanted to talk, play games, explore ideas, hang out and just be with good, caring people.
I couldn’t find the people doing that. And they didn’t find me, the guy sitting alone, crying, sad, wanting more than anything to be discovered. To have someone help me figure out what the hell was going on inside me.
It took me a crap ton of time and many, many years of “I’m alone” and “I hate myself”, but I’ve found some light now at the ripe age of 47. I hope it doesn’t take you younger people so long.
For what it’s worth, you aren’t alone.
That gripping feeling so alone and feeling in your gut – “why is it so fucking hard to be a good person, who works hard, and wants to bring good stuff to the world?” – is so awesome, and comes from energy that this crazy world desperately needs.
There is a deep intelligence in you that is fighting to find it’s way out of the darkness.
And it’s an incredibly honorable fight.
You don’t want to compromise. You don’t want to fuck people over to make your way forward. You just want to more easily bring forward the care and curiosity in you.
At least that was what I wanted, and still work on.